It's Friday...

...I am working and my sweet husband is at the deer lease. I am actually thankful to be at work because I am so terribly lonely for him that I think being at home would be unbearable. Stephen and I do not do "apart" very well. Or we do well for the first few hours but beyond that we are lost.
I am doing good with the swimming! It is such a relief. Today I pushed myself to do a few extra laps. It is an incredible feeling to be in the water. Truly I am on the right path now. And BONUS...my feet aren't killing me! They are still a little tight when I wake up and I still have to spend most of my time in sneakers but I can live with both of those little inconveniences.
It rained lots today but I LOVE rainy days especially when they bring some much needed cooler weather! It almost feels like October outside. Cold weather always lightens my mood. Maybe it's the approach of the holidays? Either way, it's a super nice change.

It took lots of guts...

...to stay in that swimming pool today. True to my word I woke up a little earlier than usual (2 p.m.) and got my rear to the gym. The pool has 3 lanes and only 1 was occupied so I was feeling good about being there. It's still a struggle to be in a swimsuit around other people but I got in the water as quick as possible and got to it determined to swim 10 laps. Here's how my thinking goes:
1- Okay, 10 laps, no biggie. Lets use the kickboard on the first one.
2- Just a little winded so this time freestyle
2 1/2- Why can't I remember how to breathe? I'm bailing out and doing the breaststroke
3- Backstroke
4- Why are there more guys showing up NOW!!
5- Okay, all 3 lanes full...maybe I should stop now?
6- Sure Mr. Speedo high school guy, we can share a lane.
7- Good Lord he swims fast...jerk
8- Backstroke seems to be the way to go.
9- Gotta stop and catch my breath. WHY IS THIS SO FREAKING HARD??
10- Man there is really a crowd in here now...thank goodness I am DONE!

So, I did it. 10 laps isn't really alot but its a great start. I was very proud of myself and am determined to get serious again. Going back tomorrow and I am going to swim 11 laps!

Is it REALLY that hard?

No, it's not. It's not so hard to stay diligent and dedicated to a task or project. So why can't I get my act together and blog more often? It's not for lack of time. I have plenty of empty graveyard hours here at work. So, why? Well, I feel like I have been faltering a bit in ALL of my goals and plans and I don't want to talk/blog about it. BUT the only way to get back in the saddle is to think about all the great things that come with a healthier lifestyle. I did go back to the gym last week...once. I went and swam for about 40 minutes, thought I would die, and haven't been back. I am going to go back tomorrow. I will feel so much better. Right now I am feeling so lousy it isn't even worth mentioning. I guess we all struggle with a bit of depression from time to time. So, short and not so sweet but a blog entry none the less. I will update again tomorrow.

Welcome back...

I guess I took a good long summer break from the ole' blog! I haven't been in the right frame of mind for many many many things, blogging included. But I am back! I am feeling responsible and accountable for the things I do for myself and for my health. I have switched gyms because I am going to start swimming. Even riding the bike began to make the pain in my feet unbearable. It is sort of ridiculous but I haven't exercised in a month and my feet haven't been killing me like they were. Does that mean the plantar faciitis is gone? Hardly. Does that mean the answer is not exercising? Absolutely not. I am more determined than ever. But the doctor told me it may take getting into a swimming routine as a LAST RESORT to get in good cardio weight loss before having to have surgery. I have been slowly easing back into my weight watchers program as well. There is no excuse for failure because it isn't a hard program to follow. And it works. However I just got back from an awesome retreat to Hi Vali and we do not count points on vacation...period!! Too much fun had with cooking out and celebrating with friends and family. But back to the real world and my quest for a healthy, well balanced life.

TO HELL with More to Love...

I had heard rumblings about a new reality show that was going to start soon. I knew IMMEDIATELY that I had no intention of watching it as it was a dating show featuring a man who would meet and potentially date/love/marry a full-figured woman. Now, some may think this was a novel idea as big women are beautiful too and certainly there are SOME men out there who may find them (us) attractive. I knew watching this would be a bad idea but my dear husband wanted to watch anyway. I was ravenously angry (and had a stomach bug too so I was already feeling wretched) but he seemed to think I was taking things too seriously...and so we watched. First off, there are lovely women on the show. The guy seems like a nice enough guy and he seemed more than ready to make-out with as many of them as he could in his quest to find "true love". But for each woman they would show her freaking height and weight every time they were on the camera. COME ON!!!!! This made me sick. They don't do anything like that on the other reality shows. I have never seen them flash a woman's IQ or history of venereal diseases stats on The Bachelor. What the hell do their heights and weights matter if this dude is attracted to them? And the really difficult part was that most of these beautiful women really loathe themselves. There was a 23 year old talking about how much she wants an everlasting, no holds barred love and she feels like this is her last chance...at the ripe ole age of 23! A 34 year old woman was terrified to go back to her hometown a loser and didn't know if she would be able to survive another heartbreak. Tell me, how is this healthy? My husband made the comment that it must really suck to be one of the five who went home the first night. He seemed to think these women would feel like the lowest of the low. How sad and very possibly true. You know, before me my husband never dated a "full-figured" woman. I have seen pictures of his ex-girlfriends and believe me, it made me question what the heck he was doing with me. But that is what real love is. I was never ready for real love until I learned to love myself. I realized that while learning to accept God's love and forgiveness for living a very poor lifestyle throughout my 20's, I could never really love a man unless I learned to love myself EXACTLY HOW I AM. I have to look in the mirror every now and then just to remind myself that if God loves me I am certainly worthy of love. I am sure this all sounds a little crass coming from a happily married woman. However, as much as I hate the show...it's "labeling" of the contestants seems pretty close to reality.

Making Days Count...

...that is my challenge for the next few days. I am a terrible procrastinator. There are many things that I have put off and I am at the point where I HAVE to get things done. So rather than whine and cry about how hard it is to get things done when you work a schedule like mine I plan on making my time off count by taking care of business. Cleaning up, putting back together, and getting things checked out (namely my body) is all it's going to be until I go back to work next week. This should alleviate the ho-hum attitude I sport while I am working. Turning 34 means I need to get some things checked out health wise and I know that will put my mind at rest. So I am starting early today with the GYM, and I will report back tomorrow to see what all I accomplished while in a very good frame of mind.

Goals

I have been bummed out lately because I don't seem to be hitting my "little" goals. But now that I have had some time to think about my new lifestyle I realize that my goals need a little tweaking:
#1. I can't jog. My plantar facitis (heel spurs) simply will not allow it. This may change as I continue to loose weight but only by a little bit. The sad truth is bone spurs do not simply go away with weight loss. They may get to be less bothersome though so I am still hoping I will not have to have surgery for them. I did do a little jogging while on vacation at Hi Vali but I definitely paid for it as I hobbled around the next few days. I will have to stick to walking which everyone says is just as good. Twice while on vacation I woke up before everyone else and went for a 2 mile walk/jog...it was awesome. I have NEVER made it a point to exercise while on vacation so this was a huge deal to me.

#2. I need to wait a while before I bother with challenging my clothing choices. I wanted to be able to wear more "summery" clothes while on vacation. I did wear shorts a few times but I was very uncomfortable with the way I looked. I am just going to have to give myself more time and more lbs. lost before I test the "sundress" waters...there's still Labor Day! And we will be at Hi Vali again celebrating Ron and Marian's anniversary. So maybe a cute sundress for the END of summer?

After sulking and being a whiny baby most of last week I have been able to look at what I am doing and still find things to be proud of. It's just so hard because I want to see more. But slow and steady is what will make this a real life-changing accomplishment. I simply have too much to be thankful for. I have a wonderful husband, a loving family and the most incredible friends. I have a house full of cats that are exceptionally affectionate and I am very thankful for all of them. And for the first time in a long time I am finding it easier to talk to God. And I mean really talk to Him. Not the typical "Thank you for this day..." which is how I used to pray. I am re-learning how to converse with the Most High God. This above all things is what I am happy about right now.