Snap out of it!!

Could this funk I am in really just be hormones? I don't like to play the "hormone" card but I can't find another excuse for feeling so poopy! I am getting back "on point" as far as my eating and exercising. I did a pretty good job of getting some activity in on vacation which was a BIG accomplishment for me. And the weird thing is I can't even put it in words how I am feeling. Feverish? Achy? Fussy? Sad? All of the above. Well, hopefully it's nothing that a few days off can't cure. I am off for 3 (yippee), then back on for 9 (booooo!). I shouldn't complain, I have a great job. I get to hang out with my friends all night, listen to angry, loud music and complain about other people's stupidity ALL without the watchful eyes of a supervisor. It's really pretty freaking great most of the time. That's all I can come up with for now. I am looking forward to these few days off and HOPEFULLY a better attitude!

Dragging a** after vacation

I do not like the feeling that I need a vacation after my vacation. Don't get me wrong, we had a great time with family at the Frio River. It's nice to see everyone, fun to cook and eat (and DRINK) together. But somehow I feel worn out now that we are home. Maybe even bummed out? It makes no sense. I have that affliction where I want everyone to be happy and when they aren't I feel like I have some responsibility to help "fix" things. Which I can't do.
It's a twisted sort of arrogance I have about love and life. I have an amazing love that I am grateful for and humbled by daily. Stephen is the best thing about me and I cherish my place in this world as his wife. So, I sometimes feel like it's not fair that I have this great love and others don't. I'm not talking about everyone mind you. Ron and Marian have a beautiful love that should be envied. My father-in-law and mother-in-law are a stellar example of a powerful husband and wife team. Even my sweet parents, with the tumultuous marriage that they have had, awe me with their love and friendship after 35 years of marriage. So what's the point? I see trouble for others I love. I see red flags in their relationships. And it's pretty darn snooty of me to think I have a right to want to help "fix" things for them. SO, I keep my big mouth shut and worry myself over things that have nothing to do with me. And it makes me feel rotten.
See, I spent the better part of my 20's making a mess of my life. I lived through it and learned loads about myself and what God thinks of me. I promised myself that I would share my failures in hopes of helping others NOT make the same mistakes I did. But people have to make their own mistakes and as much as I hate to admit it, I don't know everything. But I know somethings. The night before Stephen and I got married I was struggling with things I didn't understand. So, I talked to someone I knew could answer my questions honestly. It helped a lot. It was hard to ask and hard to hear but worth it. I wish I could pass on the things I learned...but the people i am concerned about aren't asking for help.
This isn't making much sense. I'm tired and this lab is a freaking ice box!! Perhaps tomorrow will be a happier, healthier blog entry? We will see. Right now I just want to get through morning run and head home to crawl in bed.

Worn Out

After working 9 days straight for 11+ hours each night...I am worn out! Yesterday was my first day off and I slept for most of it. Stephen and I went out for a late dinner and a movie with our favorite people, Ron and Marian. We had already seen "The Hangover" but they hadn't and I kid you not, it was just as funny the second time around. It was a great impromptu date night. So, it's Sunday morning and we slept in. My Mom and Dad are coming over for a belated "Father's Day" dinner. So, while my honey is still snoozing I thought I would share something I heard about faith.
Faith is hard. I talk about having faith like it is easy, which is sort of arrogant on my part because I am the "ye" Jesus is talking about when He says "oh, ye of little faith". But today I was finally able to really understand where faith comes in to play where my weight loss journey is concerned. I have to act ahead of God's fulfillment of my goals. I have to lay a foundation before I can build the house...even if I don't have the materials to build the house yet. This really made me think about my efforts. I haven't really included God in my plans much and I don't really know how other than to believe that He wants me to be physically and mentally healthy. So, in faith I will strive do the things I know will lead me to where God wants me to be. These things are pretty simple: continue to exercise and eat properly. Faith though, is rarely simple.

Crazy computers

It has been a nutty night at work. We have been computer challenged for about 6 hours and that always makes for lots of little things being overlooked. So, I tried to give blood this morning. I have never been able to give blood. I have tried about 5 times. My hematocrit is always too low and it was too low this morning as well. Makes me feel like a reject somehow. I want to help the cute little kids on the commercials too! The girl who screened me gave a t-shirt anyway which makes it feel like I am cheating. It's is really cute and I was glad. Yeah, free t-shirts make me happy. I finally got a real full days sleep today and I felt great when I woke up. An even greater surprise was that it actually rained a little bit! We have been having some aweful heat and are suffering a terrible dry spell so this was really nice despite the fact that it was short lived. I sure wish we could get some rain at the Frio. I believe this is year 2 of the draught up there. Anyway, I have not forgotten that I need to post my picture before the end of the month in order to participate in the "Missouri 60". I just haven't had the opportunity to do it. I guess I could do a mirror pic of myself. I may try if it slows down up here tonight.

The Missouri 60

I hope I spelled that correctly. So, I am going to take part in an online challenge. Tony "The Anti-Jared" is hosting a challenge where you see how much you can change in 60 days. The clever title refers to Missouri, the "show me" state...sort of a "show me the changes in 60 days". I have been reluctant to post real pictures of myself because I hate pictures. I know, what chronically overweight girl doesn't? I have been putting it off, acting like I was going to dig out some pics of where I was 32.5 lbs. ago but since I am still far from my goal I may as well take some from now. I will then take some after 60 days. I think the Contest actually starts July 1st. This is a big deal to me, and not the easiest thing to do. See, pictures make you face what you already know to be true. When I don't look at pictures of myself I can imagine that I really don't look "that fat". But the truth is, pictures do not lie. Besides the only people who read my blog are people who love no matter what so whats the big freaking deal huh? So Crystal and Shelley, my partners in crime here in the lab, are going to take some pics of me tonight. Then I am going to try very hard to avoid diving into a pint of Ben and Jerry's...instead I am going to go the freaking gym again in the morning and not hate myself.

Just a quicky

I don't have a lot to say tonight. We've been busy here in the lab for a change. It's good because it makes the night go by faster. Personally I would rather have a slow night so I can sit on my rear and read my book. But that's the laziness in me. I had a good work out this morning. I made myself do a little extra cardio instead of ducking out of the gym as soon as my hour was up. It's funny because I tend to be in a much better mood when a push myself. I don't do it often mind you but I plan on doing it more. I guess it's the endorphins? Not sure, but I am not going to question it. I didn't sleep well at all today. I woke up after being asleep for 4 hours and I couldn't get back to sleep. Needless to say I WILL take a sleepy pill tomorrow and get my 8 hours!

So glad it's Sunday

The weekends at work are the hardest. They seem to never end. But it's Sunday night now and we will be on the downhill slide. I haven't wanted to eat very well the last few days. I didn't make it a point to stock up on produce so I am lacking in the veggie department. Eating veggies always makes me feel better so I am going to try and grab a few at the store in the morning. I have been in such a funky mood the last few days and have been unpleasant to my sweet husband for no good reason. Silly work stuff is stressing me out I guess and taking it out on him sure doesn't change anything. But he is the sweetest so I asked for forgiveness and he gave it to me. I am trying to plan a menu for the 4th of July. I have the extreme honor to get to cook for the Hardwick Clan on the 4th of July at the river and I am looking forward to that for sure. Cooking makes me happy, as does eating. So I really have to work my butt off at the gym the next few weeks so I don't fall off the wagon while we are out of town. I am also challenging myself to get up early each day we are there and get some activity points. Even if all I do is go for a walk. This is a new one for me because I have made it a habit to be extremely lazy when we are at the river. Well, other than when I am marathon cooking that is!